I fail at being popular, I cannot obtain and retain friends. I've a million acquaintances, but nothing meaningful lasts. I understand that community is vital to a healthy life--I understand a lot of things that I cannot possibly implement into my daily life. I've tried, ohhh, I've tried. I also haven't, I've also failed at reading emotions.
Now, I'm not some depressed young punk. But I'm a loser, I'm a creep, and really, what the hell am I doing here?
Really now, I've heard something of Bond, Jones, and all the Marvel 'mans that I think applies to me: that they don't have time for normal lives, to mingle, that they can't make small talk. That's me. I don't want to bother with it. I'd rather live with purpose, get shit done, be amazing. Make the most of everything I have and leave my mark. A friend of mine I confided some of this couldn't understand. He wanted to know if there was some specific mark I wanted to leave on the world, some great passion of a program that I felt imperative to imprint into the world before I was gone. Well, there is none, and so this seems unhealthy. A bit megalomaniacal (my words, not his). But it's unavoidable, incorrigible. I can't help this, as it's a core aspect of my personality.
Nonetheless, I am in a rare and perhaps unique position here: almost ultimate independence. It is at great cost; the safety nets of my past, of society's protections and due course for someone my age, my reputation, everything is holding by frail threads, which I am at wit's edge to avoid tearing away. I have a few Don Quixote giants to chase down now, but I must seriously consider where it shall take me. What shall I glean from it? I pray I am more successful than he, if I elect to pursue it.
About Me
- Sir Lancealot
- This is my journal of experiences, thoughts, ideas, and experiments; it is erratic, sometimes fruitless, sometimes profound (at least for me). I don't advertise it, but I don't mind the occasional cyber-wanderer taking a gander at it. I tend to meander when I write, to jump to new topics without transition, and some things I say are tied to things I've talked about before, so feel free to hop around and just read what pops out at you.