Chemistry <3.0
Posted: Thursday, December 25, 2014 by Sir Lancealot inA neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. "How much do I owe you?" It asks the bartnender. "For you," the bartender replies, "no charge."
Do people ever vex you? When you say something and they are offended, or when you thought you were having a good time but then they don't respond to your requests to hang out, or they get really anxious about something, or start yelling or treat people rudely? I have come across a personality model at an ecovillage that I visited, a commune that hosts more than a thousand visitors each year. They share resources, strive to live by the gift economy, and succeed in that they handle very little money besides about 9000 dollars they need each year for taxes. They don't make important decisions without consulting and gaining the approval of every permanent member. This is quite a feat. They live without electricity or petroleum, without money, and biggest of all, while they may each have their spirituality, they are not explicitly religious, they are not capital-C Christian or any other extant ideological sect. Some of them embrace Quakerism. I have been learning the dynamics of community for several years, and this is a significant feat for a group that is not related. They are 8 years old now, so it stands to be seen whether they survive, but probably 96% of attempts of intentional communities do not get this far.
Some things I know to be important for a community is that they have common goals, if not ideals. They must have good processes of communication, and for resolving conflict. So they explained to me they practice a process of nonviolent conflict resolution, called restorative circles, and of course they shared their mission statement.
But people can be vexing. People can be obstinate, agressive, defensive, shady, two-faced. How do you suss that out? How do we create a society in which we do not resort to violence or oppression to generate harmony amongst ourselves, without resorting to jail, murder, war, lies, deceit, oppression, rape, theft, how do we escape greed, envy, wrath etc in a post-christian world?
Here's where the personality model comes in. It is based on the way people process their environment, and what motivates them in their actions. So there are three anger-based, three fear-based, and three independent types. What's curious is there is a trifecta, 3-6-9, who seem to be the noble type; then there is the progression 4-1-7-5-8-2-4.
From 1 to 9, they are perfectionist, helper, achiever, individualist, investigator, loyalist, enthusiast, challenger, peacemaker. Each of those is assigned a number, each of them can have a wing-type based on the neighboring type, is inclined to be friends (or frenemies) with people of the same or similar type, and sexually attracted to the person whos number is opposite theirs--the number which combines with them to make a perfect 10 :)
I imagine it all works like an atom, a molecule, in each individual, though we tend to occupy different positions with different people, or in search of different people, like covalent or ionic bonds. Because along with the romance and friendship typology, we also can shift types, and they do not progress linearly, numerically. I'll start with an individualist, arbitrarily. An individualist doesn't care much for the way the world is, and lives primarily out of their imagination. If stressed, because they don't have a well-developed personal worldview, they will seek to help those who they know, in order to get them to help them get back to a place of security. This type of person, when healthy, however, might be inclined to direct energy toward real-world issues, because they are intriguing to think about. It is unclear how far a person can go in transitioning, but I imagine it's not far, often, because of the nature of communities--we are our roles, to our people, and because of our duties, we probably only reinvent ourselves a few times in our lives. However, I have traveled a lot, and when I plug in, I often encounter people of different types, and tend to mold myself to what they need. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. It is intriguing.. I am a one, fundamentally, but in studying this, I have imagined myself in a variety of positions, and realized I have occupied several of them at various times in my life. I have been a challenger. I have been the investigator, I have been the helper. MAny of them are part of my personality, and so I don't think I have ever transitioned permanently, only expressed differently. When I am stressed I individualize--throw my hands up on my principles and run, hop a train and sing, drink, whatever. When I find something I like, I often investigate, tending to be enthusiastic about the good parts, though not offering much, not seeking to assert myself to be respected or valued, though I will offer help when I can. So I am investigating the place. When I find what I like, and threats to it, I become a challenger. But this is easy for me because my fundamental type is one of anger. Fear-based types, or those who abdicate responsibility, I don't understand and --you guessed it--get angry with. Here's what's funny. I have a friend who is a loyalist. His romantic ideal is an individualist--one with an active imagination, always making up creative otherworlds and inviting people to explore them together, laughing readily. This person's progression would be toward a principled individual, a perfectionist who wants to be good and promote good in the world. So I postulate that to him, I at first resembled his ideal type--sincere, wide eyed, confident in his perceptions of another world that does not currently exist. But as we interact, he may start to see that all of his attempts to coax me into playful imagining of other worlds really only causes me stress. I stress about belonging, being relevant, and come up with weak contributions. This disappoints him and leaves us fizzling. Now, I have another friend who is an achiever. He is masculine--he doesn't let his feelings guide him, so much as his sense of what needs done. I admire him in this and submit myself to him because I want to participate, to learn from experiences with him. In this way he makes me healthier. However, my healthy type is to be an enthusiast, which is his romantic type. This doesn't work for me with women, however. The last woman I mingled with who was an achiever accused me of mothering her, and importantly she perceived me as occupying a stressed space (which , sure, my type is a stress type--I had an absent parent, who I have integrated my need to gain approval from into myself. Only I integrated a submission, rather than an agression, because my mother was present so the best I could hope for without introspection and practice would be to become the absent father, or dutiful closeted gay father. Which is funny only because I am sexually attracted to women but emotionally attracted to males. I have to find me some male mentors and establish that as our relationship so they don't misinterpret it and I can deal with this and move on). Moving on... An enthusiast who's healthy becomes an investigator, an investigator who is healthy becomes a challenger, and a challenger who is healthy becomes a helper.
Here there are some important relationship archetypes at play which can be learned from if you wish to go a little better informed into future relationships. A helper who is unhappy becomes a challenger. A challenger who is healthy becomes a helper. So help a challenger and you get a helper. These are more emotional types, not to be confused with the loyalist->peacemaker->achiever->loyalist flow. They are a good group to look for, because they tend to be groomed as proprietors. They are less me-oriented, and the most civil types. And again, different types can act different ways, depending on what a situation calls for and whether they are happy or stressed, so you have to watch the way they process a situation and sometimes test them to see how they process different invitations or threats.
Stillwater Sanctuary, as the community I visited is called, has 8 permanent members, and approximately three interns in any season.